If I read one more boring sex story of an “adventurous” couple who were blown away by a “crazy” night with handcuffs, blindfolds, or a riding crop, I’ll have a stroke. Desperate to spare our beloved readers from more cliché bullsh*t of basic bedroom kink, I asked men to share their freakiest sexual encounters with us, so, ahem... strap in!

I’ve stumbled upon a treasure trove of filthy, hilarious real-life sexual encounters that will make that one night you had sex at your cousin’s wedding reception seem like a fairytale. Here's the craziest thing men have done in bed.

1. We snowballed my semen.

"I don’t know about craziest, but snowballing was definitely the grossest. Yes, it was my idea and yes we almost puked in each others’ mouths. But, you know, if you haven’t received your own semen from the mouth of your lover, is it really love? Kidding. It was awful."

2. I peed on her.

"This bird I was f*cking wanted me to piss on her for the longest, so one evening after a few beers, I did. We were having sex outside after a lawn party and I stood over her and did it and she was fully getting off from it. She loved it. I was meh about the whole thing, and I made her hose off before we went back into the house. Then she wanted me to ask my mate if he’d be up to join us next time; I actually considered it until I remembered I’d planned to break it off with her soon and didn’t want to wreck a friendship over some pee."

3. I slept with my best friend's sister.

"It’s not what I did but who I did. It was my lifelong best friend’s sister! YES, she was legal; we were in college and were at their parents’ house where they were staying over the holidays. We only did it once and got too paranoid afterward even though he didn’t find out for at least five years afterward. I don’t think the sex was that great if we’re being honest, but the total taboo of the whole thing made it wild. We were tearing off clothes and finally going at it after years and years of wanting to, knowing that her brother or parents could have walked in at any moment."

4. He put limes in my butt.

"In the summer of 2004, I was way into the South Florida PnP (party and play) scene and had gotten used to being out all weekend every weekend and then rolling into my Monday job all raw and exhausted. I knew it was getting out of hand, but my wake-up call was after I woke up in an apartment of four other guys I’d been f*cking all weekend and realized I was late for work... by two days! Anyway, at one point during the weekend, I was letting this guy fist me and then it suddenly got bigger, and I said something and he said, 'I’m holding a lime!' Long story short: He just started seeing how many limes he could put up there. The answer is five... But they were key limes!"

5. I let a dude give me a blowjob.

"I was roommates with my best friend in college and one evening we were wasted and had gotten back from a party with his girlfriend, and she started fooling around with both of us on our couch... which was not usual for us. I’m straight, so I was focusing most of my attention on her and then she disappeared and returned with a strap-on, which, apparently, they’d been using for awhile. She started f*cking him in the ass and he kept reaching out and really wanting to try sucking me off, but I was losing my wood because I’m not sexually attracted to dudes, but also because I had whiskey dick. 

However, I discovered I could forget that it was a dude working on me if I leaned over him and played with her tits/kissed her, etc., so we just did that for a bit until he came from her reaching around. Then I had sex with her while he was passed out. I felt really bad about that last part when we woke up and I thought we’d all just act like it had never happened... until a few weeks later when they got drunk and started asking if I wanted to 'play' again. I opted out before things got too complicated. Once was enough."

6. I f*cked her on the kitchen floor while she wore an inflatable suit.

"I’m really into 'gaining' which is where I feed a woman and derive pleasure from watching her physically gain weight. I had a girlfriend who was trying to accommodate this fetish for me without putting her health at risk, because I think I’d just keep feeding her until she was immobile (which is abuse) and I didn't want her to be unhealthy, so she bought an inflatable suit to wear during sex and surprised me with it.

She was really trying to make it work but it didn’t feel like real skin, so I felt like I was f*cking a giant rubber doll. After getting frustrated, I had an idea: I covered the whole thing in lube and I pushed her around on the kitchen floor while we laughed our asses off and occasionally f*cked or went down on each other while she was wearing the suit. We never did it again but it’s a hella fun sex story."

7. She fed me her blood while we had sex.

"One summer in my mid-to-late 20s, I told my parents I’d gotten a beach house with my friends out of state for a long weekend, but I was actually f*cking their neighbor who was just two years younger than my mom and went to the same country club, which is how I’d met her. It’s a long story and some serious Mrs. Robinson sh*t. She’d just gotten a divorce and was apparently living out her fantasies and she wanted me to dominate the sh*t out of her in the bedroom as long as she could boss me around all during the day. It was a pretty kinky setup.

Once, she wanted me to f*ck her in her backyard on a lawn chair where I could see right into my parents’ kitchen. For some reason, that made me even rougher, and I was pulling her hair and clawing and biting her back and she was making a lot of noise. I started f*cking her ass and grabbed the back of her necklace and pulled so hard it broke and left a gouge mark on her neck. I pulled out and asked if she was okay, but she turned over and stuck me back in and started rubbing her finger in the blood and tasting it and feeding it to me, and I was lapping it off her fingers like a hungry dog. And she was getting blood on her tits but seemed to enjoy it so I kept going. When we were done, we both had blood smeared all across our torsos."

8. She choked me.

"Outside of the obligatory 'man, we really should have used a condom, friend I met last night,' my sex life has been pretty vanilla. The zaniest sex story likely involved a woman who really liked being choked (think Cheryl from Archer) and suddenly wanted to choke me back. With a mild sigh and a cold mountain of internal discomfort, I said sure. However, she was a small woman we couldn't really get in a position where she could both enjoy the sex and have any leverage on my throat.

We switched to a scarf but again her limited understanding of physics didn't do her any favors, so she was mostly just cranking down on the back of my neck. I started holding my breath to make it seem like she was doing something effective. I think both of us were pretty let down by the experience and went back to the normal stuff."