Though production on Riverdale has been halted, there’s still plenty of drama plaguing Betty and Jughead — or, the people who play them, at least.

As you may know, Cole Sprouse and Lili Reinhart are together both onscreen and off (sometimes, as far as we know). There’s been a lot of media speculation regarding the status of their relationship since they reportedly split last summer (or did they?). Basically, there’s more mystery shrouding Bughead’s real life counterparts than the identity of Black Hood (haven’t watched in a while, forgive this reference).

Anyway, the plot thickened over the weekend when eagle-eyed Kaia Gerber fans speculated that a photo she posted of herself on her Instagram story was taken in Sprouse’s house. In March, the Daily Mail published a photo of Sprouse reportedly exiting the same vehicle as Gerber. Adding to the intrigue (I guess?), Sprouse once reportedly liked a selfie Gerber posted of herself in a bikini last January. For some fans, all of these pieces of social media evidence taken together add up to a cheating scandal.

Well, Sprouse is having NONE. OF. THAT. On Sunday, the actor appeared to address the rumors with a rant in his Instagram story.

“I tolerate a lot of rumors and slander from people online claiming to be my fans,” the Riverdale star began. “Fans who feel entitled to my privacy precisely because I never indulge them. But attacking my friends, baseless accusations, leaking my address and sending death threats are all qualities of insanity and fanaticism,” he continued.

"When I first stepped into a public relationship this was one of the foreseeable consequences," he went on. "And while I truly never intended to indulge any part of my private life to the ravenous horde, it's clear my restraint in updating them has allowed them to push their own agenda onto my habits and lifestyle.”

Sprouse ended his message on a comical note: “In conclusion, please eat my delectable plump ass (making me post a goddamn white font insta story like a divorced mother of three)."

Well, that explains … nothing.