Many young women marry guys who are emotionally unavailable because they have low self-esteem.

Thankfully, in the future, most of them develop higher self-esteem. But the downside to this is that when their self-esteem improves, their tolerance of their emotionally unavailable husband drops dramatically. 

Listen to this podcast for a glimpse into your future if you marry the guy who is hard to connect to right now, and read on to see why you should reconsider marrying your emotionally unavailable boyfriend.

When you are raised in a family where you observe one parent treating the other one, or you, poorly you end up subconsciously expecting all relationships to go this way.

You assume that in all relationships, there is one person who does whatever they want, and one who is unhappy and always wishes for more out of the relationship and out of life in general.

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Your emotionally unavailable boyfriend now feels like “home” to you because he is your Imago. He likely does some of the following:

• Prioritizes friends/hobbies over you
• Acts like you’re crazy when you want a more emotional connection
• Refuses to commit or propose
• Doesn’t treat you like you see other girls get treated
• Doesn’t speak your love language and doesn’t seem to care to learn
• Doesn’t make plans
• Makes fun of you or criticizes your looks/weight
• Turns down sex regularly

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These are all huge red flags, which you probably know in your heart, but you tell yourself that he will change.

He will not change, and if he does, it will only be many years down the line and very minimally.

By that time, it is likely you will be a mother, and will have prioritized your own mental health, going to therapy to work on self-esteem so that you can teach your kids to develop some. At this point, it is very common for women to “wake up,” look at their marriage more objectively and get very angry about the past ways that they let their husbands treat them.

Often, these empathic ruptures are not able to be resolved, because the woman is madder at herself for allowing her then-boyfriend to treat her poorly than she is at the man himself for having what she now realizes is just the self-centered personality he had all along.

When women develop compassion for their younger selves, they cannot believe they let a man treat them like they were unimportant or crazy for so long, and divorce often ensues.

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What is a way to prevent your future kids from the stress and pain of divorce?

Don’t marry this emotionally unavailable man in the first place. Have kids with a man who thinks you’re beautiful and plans dates. There are so many romantic and loving men out there, a statement that your upbringing didn’t allow you to believe.

Moving forward, you can take my word for it (and therapy can also help you recognize) that there are millions of men in the world who are romantic and kind and prioritize having a close and loving relationship. Don’t wait for your second marriage to find this out if you don’t have to.

If this post spoke to you, bring it up in therapy. Linking the marriage you saw growing up with your current romantic relationship can be an epiphany for many.

Understanding that this man is who you were raised to be attracted to, but not someone who will make you happy long term can be a transformational realization that allows you to finally find the relationship that you deserve.

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Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.

This article was originally published at Dr. Psych Mom. Reprinted with permission from the author.