Fantasy Football Urban Dictionary - The Athletic

Disclaimer: This article will not help your fantasy football team whatsoever. You will not find sleepers or read about great matchups. You will not learn waiver-wire or trading tips, or how to manage your team midseason. We’ll return to your regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.

The fantasy football world has events that happen in it that don’t happen in other worlds. Since this is the case, there aren’t words or phrases for certain happenings we’ve all come to love or hate. I’m taking it upon myself to create a Fantasy Football Urban Dictionary to help give names to all the ridiculous things that happen to us at different points of the season.

Fantasy Football Urban Dictionary

I shared examples for many of these terms to help explain them better. Please feel free to add your own at the bottom – or rename some of the ones I listed!

The Adult in “Peanuts” Cartoons: The person that shares every detail of their fantasy team’s win over the weekend, forcing you to hear their voice differently.

Example: “Matt thinks I care how his team was behind after the 1pm games, but then how they came back in the 4pm games. When he talks, it’s like he turns into an adult from “Peanuts” cartoons: “Bwuh bwah, bwuhhhhh, bwuh bwah.”

A Blind-Dog Boning: This is when your team loses to the worst team in the league.

Example: “They say even a blind dog finds a bone now and then, and I definitely got a blind-dog boning this weekend when Tim’s crappy team skated by me.”

Captain Obscurity: The guy that names his fantasy team something so obscure that he always has to explain it every time someone asks him what it means.

Example: “I can never remember what Danny’s team name means. I wish Captain Obscurity would just change “ATHFGFY” to something we can all remember.”

Cruise Control: When your fantasy team loses to someone who forgot to change their lineup, leaving in bye-week players.

Example: “My team is brutal – I even lost to some idiot on cruise control, with two players on bye weeks.”

The Devil’s Highlight: When the game you are watching shows a highlight from another game, with your QB, so you think he’s about to throw a TD pass. But it ends up being a pick-six for your opponent’s defense.

Example: “I nearly swallowed a chicken wing bone when what I thought was going to be a Jameis Winston touchdown pass turned into a pick-six during that devil’s highlight.”

Fantasy Fickle: When you really want to draft a player, but when someone else takes him, you realize you didn’t want him that much anyway.

Example: “I wanted to draft Derrick Henry badly, but someone else snatched him up, and I got Dion Lewis one round later. He’s way better anyway – I’m fantasy fickle like that.”

Fantasy Ghosted: When you start a player in your lineup, but he doesn’t score a single point due to injuries or lack of touches.

Example: “I would have beaten you in Week 6, but Amari Cooper fantasy ghosted me.”

Fantasy Impotence: When your running back gets stuffed at the 1-yard line three times in a row. Then your opponent’s kicker gets the cheap field goal.

Example: “I got a case of the ol’ fantasy impotence this weekend when my running back couldn’t score on three tries from the 1.”

Fantasy Kickball: This is when your fantasy team’s life hangs in the balance with just your kicker playing on Monday Night Football.

Example: “I’m rooting for some good old MNF Fantasy Kickball tonight — I need Mason Crosby to score 13 points.”

Fantasy Mexican Food: When your quarterback throws a touchdown pass — to your opponent’s wide receiver.

Example: “Watching my Patrick Mahomes throw three TD passes to your Tyreek Hill was like Fantasy Mexican food – it tastes so good at first, but it always burns me in the end.” (Props to my “Fantasy On 5 Podcast” partner Garion Thorne for that gem!)

Flea Market Salesman: That guy in your league who tries to sell you crap he just picked up for free off waivers.

Example: “Dave just offered me Ito Smith, Chester Rogers and Marquez Valdes-Scantling in a 3-for-1 deal for Joe Mixon. The Flea Market Salesman strikes again!”

Imposter-Back: This is when your running back finally scores at the goal line after a couple tries – but then you realize they swapped running backs on the previous play.

Example: “I high-fived strangers at the bar because Alex Collins scored – but it turned out to be a dreadlock-less imposter-back named Javorius Allen instead.”

Instant Replay Refund: When one of your players scores a touchdown that gets overturned after instant replay.

Example: “My team would have won if that instant replay refund on Chris Godwin’s touchdown catch hadn’t happened.”

Instant Replay Deja Vu: When you see an instant replay on a touchdown run, but you don’t realize it’s an instant replay, so you holler when your player crosses the goal line… and everyone at the bar looks at you.

Jay Glazer’s BFF: The guy in your league that hears breaking news before everyone else, allowing him to pick up the best replacements.

Example: “Frank is always getting the great free agents before anyone else. He has to be Jay Glazer’s BFF, getting the insider news before the rest of us.”

Keepaway Kid: When a quarterback throws five touchdown passes, but none of them go to your wide receiver.

Example: “Patrick Mahomes throws four or five touchdowns every game, but he still manages to miss my keepaway kid, Sammy Watkins.”

The Last Cheerio: When a player keeps having bad weeks whenever you start him, but he has huge weeks whenever you bench him.

Example: “Whenever I start Kenyan Drake, he stinks, but when I bench him, he has big games! He’s like the last Cheerio in a bowl of milk you just can’t get on your spoon.”

Man Nipples: When all your fantasy players have huge weeks at once, beating a weak team that scored the fewest points in the league that week.

Example: “All of my players blew up this week, but they were as useless as man nipples, since the team I beat scored just 44 points.”

Meryl Streeping: When you score the second-highest points in the league, but you lose.

Example: “I had what I thought was the performance of a lifetime, but it just so happens Meryl Streep was also nominated in the category this year, so I’m not winning anything.”

Mike Tomlin Special: When you see your kicker’s NFL team scored 16 points, making you think your kicker has 2 FG and 2 XP. But, in fact, the team went for a two-point conversion twice.

PPR: When a pirate has to urinate.

Schizofantasyfrenic: When your wide receiver scores a touchdown for you in one league, but he’s also on another team that’s playing against you in a different league.

Example: “Melvin Gordon turned me into a schizofantasyfrenic this weekend – helping me win in my family league, but helping to crush me in my big money league.”

Sophie’s Fantasy Choice: When you must choose to cut one of two good players on your team in order to pick up a quarterback because of bye weeks.

Superball: When a player you drop instantly bounces back even higher than before.

Example: “It figures, as soon as I dropped an injured O.J. Howard for Cameron Brate, Howard bounced back like a superball.

Weightlifter Week: When your lineup has a strong bench, but your starters do squat.

Example: “I had the dreaded weightlifter week, with Tarik Cohen, Peyton Barber, Albert Wilson and Austin Hooper on my bench, outplaying all my starters.”

Reader’s Choice: When you see an NFL score of 54-48, but your player somehow dodged all the scoring.