Food for thought: The fantasy football draft food mock

A good fantasy football draft day party can turn a boring league into an awesome one.

If you’re the commissioner of your league, you want your league to be THE league that everyone talks about. The worst thing you could possibly hear from one of your owners is, “I can’t do our draft because my other league drafts that night.” That’s like a dagger in every commissioner’s heart. You want your league to be the one that forces owners to reschedule their other drafts, not the other way around.

Here are a handful of suggestions for making your draft party better:

Be creative with your draft lottery. Don’t just do the standard names-pulled-from-a-hat routine. Come up with some new ways to decide draft order. You can play beer pong, with the draft slots written on the bottom of cups randomly. When you make one, that’s your pick. Or you can all do a Wonderlic test – highest score wins. What about a 40-yard dash?
Have something interesting playing on the TV, like some on-demand NFL Films videos on the NFL Network.
Get everyone to wear their favorite NFL jerseys to the draft – then have the non-drafters judge who has the coolest jersey.
Do a trivia game throughout the draft, asking one question per round. Then, at the end of the draft, tally up the scores and whoever scores the highest gets a prize, like a mini-helmet or something. We even came up with 16 great fantasy trivia questions already for you!

Fantasy Draft Day Foods Mock Draft!

One of the very best ways to improve your fantasy draft party is to improve the food and drink you serve at your event. I thought I’d do a fantasy mock draft of the best foods — let’s get this party started:

No. 1 – Pizza (and Pizza Wheels)

The No. 1 overall pick for a fantasy food draft must be easy to eat without utensils, pretty good whether it’s hot or at room temperature, and it must come in several varieties to satisfy many tastes. Pizza ticks every one of those boxes, and that’s why it’s the LaDainian Tomlinson of draft day foods.

My Five Pizza Ordering Rules

Order enough so there are leftovers. If someone says, “Should we order more pizzas?” You’ve failed. If after the draft, someone says, “Hey, let’s go out for something to eat.” You’ve failed.
No anchovies. One person might like them, but he/she can deal without them more than everyone else can deal with them.
No veggie pizzas. This is just dumb. If someone’s a vegetarian, they’re on their own. Buy a veggie tray for them. In the history of pizzas, vegetarian pizza is always the last one eaten. Ordering a vegetarian pizza is an act of aggression and it’s uncalled for. Not for nothing, but whoever the vegetarian is in your group should automatically get the last pick in Round 1.
Meat lover’s pizza is never a bad thing.
If you order the extra-large, tell them you want it “well done.” Trust me. I’m a fat guy.

A side note on pizza wheels (or pizza pinwheels or pizza muffins) – if you’ve never had these things, you’re missing out. You can make them at home, too. Basically, roll out pizza dough in a square, cover it in sauce, cheese and your favorite toppings, then roll it up from the long edge, so that it makes one long tunnel of pizza. Then slice it into two-inch slices, lay them flat on a baking pan, and bake them at 375 degrees for 12 minutes or so. Let ‘em cool and serve with marinara dipping sauce (or ranch!) and enjoy!

No. 2 – Sub Sandwiches

This food also ticks all my necessary boxes, as it’s mobile, good cold, and you can get it done lots of different ways. While you can go the easy route of ordering up a six-foot long sub, I have a couple other suggestions.

Try a platter of cold cuts instead. (I miss the days of calling sandwich meat “cold cuts.”) Get some ham, turkey, capicola, roast beef and salami, along with an assortment of cheeses, including provolone, American, Swiss and Muenster. Then make sure you have a nice variety of breads (rolls, rye, maybe even some croissants!), veggies (lettuce, tomato and pickles) and spreads, like mustard, mayonnaise and Italian dressing.
Find the best sub spot in your area and order up a variety of subs with the dressings on the side. Then slice each foot-long sub up into fourths.

Sub sandwiches are reliable, if not flashy, and they do the job. They’re the Drew Brees of fantasy draft foods.

No. 3 – Chicken Wings

Anyone who knows me would consider this an amazing upset, placing wings third behind two other foods. But as great as wings are – and they are great – they’re just not as practical during a fantasy draft. I need my hands free for crossing out stuff and moving papers around. I don’t need wing sauce all over my laptop or my phone… I mean, more wing sauce than I already have on there.

My Thoughts on the Masculinity of Eating Boneless Wings: I was once a believer that real men shouldn’t eat boneless wings. Heck, it’s not even a wing – it’s a chicken breast cut up into nuggets (although, boneless wings does explain why chickens have difficulty flying). But I’ve come around in recent years. I’ve not only become more tolerant of the boneless-wing eater – but I have even started eating them myself for lunch. There’s something about not having stinky wing hands all afternoon at work that makes it a smarter lunch-time choice.

No. 4 – Pigs in a Blanket (AKA Teeny Weenies!)

These are possibly the most underrated snack treats in draft food history. A Lil’ Smokey wrapped in a triangle of Pillsbury dough? Yes, please! My theory on why this isn’t more popular is because it takes some work to prep and bake them, as opposed to dialing up your local pizza shop or buffalo wing dispensary. But if you prep them in the morning, they bake in no time, and they’re awesome hot or at room temperature.

My personal teeny-weenie guarantee (I promise I’ve never used that phrase before): You will NEVER have leftovers. Ever. They will always be eaten, unless you made them horribly wrong, like with gluten-free dough or tiny haute dogs (for vegans).

Three sauces to make available for your teeny weenies: A mayo-mustard mix (should be on everything), barbecue sauce and honey-mustard sauce.

No. 5 – Chips and Assorted Salted Snack Treats

Do I really have to put this on the list? It’s kind of a no-brainer, but still, there should certainly be an assortment of chips. Dip is optional, but when have you ever heard someone say, “Oh crap, there’s dip.” Never.

You should have some chip mainstays, like Wavy Lay’s or Ruffles (that’s a personal choice, of course), along with some flavored potato chips, like Cheddar Sour Cream Ruffles! You should also include some Doritos and even some Sun Chips – have you tried the Sweet Potato and Brown Sugar ones!?!

Having Cheetos at your draft is a controversial choice. If you do serve them, leave them in the bag rather than putting them in a bowl. With 12 sweaty fantasy owners doing a draft for two or three hours, you’ll no doubt need a ceiling fan going to help keep everyone cool. But that same ceiling fan will turn your Cheetos into cheesy chews.

Note: Flamin’ Hot is acceptable in all varieties!

No. 6 – Chili Bar

Don’t underestimate the power of a great bowl of chili. Not only does it fill you up, but it’s also great bowl after bowl, and the accessories make it wonderfully customizable. Let’s not get into the whole “real chili doesn’t have beans” argument, and let’s just assume you have a great chili recipe already. Here’s what you should have available on your chili bar:

Sour cream
Shredded cheese
Minced fresh jalapenos
Diced onions
Fritos Scoops
Tostitos Scoops
Cornbread

Have some cayenne pepper available for people to spice up their chili if they choose. The spicier they make their chili, the more beer they’ll drink, raising the odds they’ll make a questionable fantasy pick. You win!

No. 7 – Sliders

Again, these are portable and tasty, although, there’s a little more work involved than just ordering pizza. You can do several types of sliders, though, which makes it appealing. Your standard cheeseburger sliders are always winners, but throw in some pulled pork sliders and now you’re approaching legend status. You can even consider pulled chicken sliders or chicken nugget sliders.

No. 8 – Cheese and Crackers

Always a winner! But again, the key here is an assortment of crackers and cheeses. You want some mild, some sharp and some spicy cheeses, preferably all distinguishable from each other, so you don’t have Mild Manny accidentally eating some Habanero-Jack cheese (Cabot – the best!).

You want a couple cheddars (mild and sharp), with some Colby, Monterey Jack and Muenster. Feel free to get funky with some port wine cheese, or some fruity cheeses. Get some Triscuits, Ritz and Wheat Thins. Slice up some pepperoni (don’t buy the pre-sliced, that’s for suckers), and you’re golden! One great final touch –a big bunch of red grapes!

No. 9 –Brownies, Candy and Cookies

Let’s face it – fantasy football drafters are just grown-up kids who used to collect sports cards. Grown-up kids also happen to love brownies, candy and cookies! For the brownies and the cookies, make sure you get some with and some without nuts.

For the candy, consider getting the snack-size candies, just so you don’t have greasy fantasy hands jammed into a bowl of M&Ms, essentially ruining it for everyone else. We all know where he’s been.

No. 10 – Veggie Tray

I don’t hate veggies. I actually like them a lot. I just like all the other stuff on this list better. You should definitely have some carrots and celery if you do wings. But having some dippable broccoli and cauliflower, along with cherry tomatoes, snap peas and cucumber is good, too.

Veggies aren’t fun, but they’re necessary. Like kickers in a fantasy draft.

What fantasy draft foods are you planning to have at your party? Which one has the best chance of being a bust on this list?

(Photo by Shannon O’Hara/Getty Images for Pizza Hut)