When we are dating and still in the early stages of our relationships, we have a rather idealistic view of each other.

We are likely to believe that the person we are in a relationship with is a good listener, cares about us, wants what is best for us, speaks truth to us and is of great encouragement — one of our strongest supporters and allies. We view this person as someone who has integrity, is honest, is ambitious, is trustworthy and will always be there for us. 

Yet, once we say our “I Dos,” sometimes that all seems to disappear, and we find ourselves in relationships that are not as caring, loving and supportive as we had first thought. 

It now seems this person’s words don’t match what they do. 

Let’s take a look at 7 things that can happen in our relationships when we experience a partner whose words don’t match his actions.

1. You begin to think that you are not important to your partner. 

Maybe he says all the right things, but there is not any real follow through with what he says. Maybe he tells you that you are special and important to him, but then spends more time with friends and doing activities that are important to him than spending time with you. Maybe he promises that he will always provide for you, yet spends the money not on you or your family but on himself and his interests. 

2. You begin to believe that the truth does not matter to your partner. 

Along with that, you begin to question whether you can trust your spouse with the important things in life when it appears that you cannot trust him in the less important things. Again, he may use words to convince you that he will take action and make sure that things are taken care of, but then you observe there isn’t anything happening to show that his words are true.

3. It appears to you that your partner is intentionally setting your relationship up for failure. 

How can you go through life together hearing one thing and seeing another? How can you trust anything about this person? He is not the person you thought he was when you fell in love with him. 

4. You find yourself resenting your spouse.

You become unwilling to respond positively to him, his wants and his needs. There seems to be no reason, from your perspective, to continue to meet his needs and expectations of you. 

5. Your relationship is always in need of significant repair. 

There is constant fighting and you experience feeling totally alone and worthless. The belief that you would have a good and healthy relationship seems to be fading away. You become discouraged and feel hopelessness taking up residence in your heart. 

6. You eventually begin to respond to him similarly to way you feel he is responding to you. 

You give him back what he has given you — nothing. Your heart is broken, and pieces of it are continually being chipped away.

7. You finally run out of gas and see that the bank account is overdrawn. 

There is nothing left to give. You no longer believe that his words count for anything. Because his words have been so different from his actions, you have come to a place in which you cannot trust him and have difficulty believing that you could ever forgive him. As far as you're concerned, the relationship is over.

Relationships don’t have to come to an end when you find yourself in this kind of predicament. 

You are understandably hurt and filled with pain, but if both people are willing to take a long hard look at what went wrong and commit to making significant changes, the relationship can become even better than you thought it was at the beginning. 

Forgiveness will be one of the most important things you do in repairing the damage. You must learn to forgive yourself, as well as the spouse who has let you down over and over again.

Most couples are not able to do the kind of repair work needed without professional help. 

Don’t give up. Seek help and work hard at having the relationship you have truly longed for.

Drs. Debbie and David McFadden are a husband-and-wife team specializing in helping struggling and distressed couples throughout the US and Canada.  Contact them for a free 20 minute consult to learn about their couples’ intensive program.