Some people think that handjobs are overrated, and I posit that those people are fools. 

Handjobs are sexy, they make his penis feel great, and they can get you all nice and hot and bothered too if it comes to that. Frankly, when it comes to foreplay, there ain't nothing finer than a hand job.

Some people like to up the ante of handjob hotness by trying to give their handjobs in public.

To them I say: why are you trying to make handjobs the worst, don't want to enjoy your foreplay?

Give him a handjob at home! Do it in bed! Make foreplay delicious and enjoyable! I mean, do it in the shower or on the couch I guess if you want, but please stop giving him handjobs in public and expecting not to be caught, because you will be caught, and you will make all of us nice decent handjob lovers look like perverts. 

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So, get those hands nice and moisturized because I am about to dish on how to give a public hand job and totally get caught! 

At least you'll have a story for the grandkids about how to give a public handjob and get caught... if you're cool talking about handjobs and foreplay with your future grandkids, I guess, you weirdo.

1. Do it while he's driving.

People will tell you that there are safe ways to give road head. They are wrong.

People will tell you that there are safe ways to give road handjobs. They are wrong.

Not only will you get caught by a cop, but that's the best case scenario. 

The worst case scenario is you die in an accident in the middle of foreplay and your Nana finds out about it, the show kills her, and you have to awkwardly face her in the afterlife. 

2. Do it in a crowded movie theater.  

Yeah, movie theaters are dark, that's true. But they are also full of people. 

"We can sit in the back," I hear you suggest. "I will put a sweatshirt over our laps," you add.

You know who sits in the back of the movie theater with a sweatshirt over their laps? Couples engaging in public handjobs at the movie theater, that's who. 

3. Do it at a restaurant. 

The only thing worse than going out to chain eatery and ordering yourself each your own appetizers of one dozen mozzarella sticks apiece is to do this and then vigorously engage in a public handjob beneath the table.

Everyone knows what you are doing, and everyone knows you are doing it with greasy mozzarella fingers. 

4. Do it in an alley near my friend Dan's house. 

"It's not an alley, though," he said when I asked permission to share this story. "It's more of a door," he added. 

Noted, Dan. 

As Dan tells it, he was walking home eating some shepherd's pie (for reasons that remain inexplicable as this is the least likely of all eat-and-go foods) he spotted a man and woman standing in a shadowy doorway.

The man was vigorously finger-blasting the woman in question. It was shocking to Dan, who kept walking — and presumably kept eating his pie.

Finger-blasting is the handjob of the female anatomy, and if you do it in an ally and/or a doorway in New York, my friend Dan will absolutely see you and it will upset him greatly. 

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5. Do it at your family reunion.

If you are handing out public handjobs at your family reunion it's going to be inordinately challenging as you are likely to be related to most (if not all) of the penises you are trying to touch at your family reunion. 

So if you want to get caught, go around trying to make one happen and probably sooner rather than later your Great Aunt Doris will start beating you about the head with her massive purse full of sugar-free candies and bricks) and calling you a pervert.

She will not be wrong.