In middle school, I attempted to throw myself my own surprise birthday party. I hinted at (aka, told my group of friends) where to have it, which days worked best, and who to invite — only to have the whole park hangout ruined by a mid-spring thunderstorm. Still, this story sums up the type of person I am: someone who prematurely reads the last page of a book and watches movies with the Wikipedia page ready, avoiding unnecessary anxiety. I'm not very go-with-the-flow; I like to plan, or at least receive a quick heads up.

So it goes without saying that 2020, with all its unpredictability, hasn't exactly been my favorite. Perhaps then it's not too surprising that I turned to astrology, albeit in an unconventional way.

In between surviving the pandemic and stressing about politics, the past few months at home have really forced me to examine my personal life, and laser-focus on the parts that are so up in the air. In January, it felt like my puzzle pieces were finally falling into place. I'd hit a stride in my career, achieving goals I had for years, working on projects I was proud of, and focusing on the future. These days, even the smallest of tasks feel draining, and with layoffs happening all around me, I'm just grateful to have a job. I had also felt like this year might be a big one for my relationship, but in reality, tensions have been high. I'd be lying if I said I haven't panicked over the thought of never getting married or having kids — two things I've always dreamed about and envisioned for myself.

With my brain so scrambled and lost, I felt the urge to speak with an astrologer. I'd received readings in the past that had mysteriously come to fruition, and to put it simply, I was curious. Would they see any major developments in my future? Would I get a promotion or experience a messy breakup? Of course, I planned to take it all with a grain of salt, but just knowing something to sort out this internal chaos seemed better than nothing.

My first step was having what was meant to be a casual 15-minute call with InStyle writer Lisa Stardust. Our conversation ended up lasting two whole hours, and oddly, felt like a therapy session. The only difference was that now my ″therapist″ could ″see" parts of my life without me ever sharing them, and also knew how things would eventually play out. She told me about business opportunities that would come my way, crazy family drama, and which month would mean good things for my relationship. Even though I remained skeptical, just having an idea of what could happen gave me hope, and suddenly, I felt more relaxed than I had in months.

I'd been in a fog and on a downward spiral, but armed with a clearer look at what's to come, everything just felt more attainable. I excitedly shared things that Stardust told me with my family ("There's a possibility I'll have twins within the next two years!") and soon, I craved more. I started Googling other astrologists and psychics, this way I could cross reference and get a better idea of what the next year would hold.

I quickly discovered that you can purchase PDF or digital readings on Etsy (already my favorite site for scoring vintage) with some starting at just $4. I gradually added a few to my cart: one that focused solely on love, one that was organized by month, one that included a voice memo, one advertised by a clairvoyant empath, etc. Some of the readings lined up — specific months where I'd see financial gain, and most of them told me I would eventually have a son — but there was one prediction that was drastically different from the rest. Even so, there are still chaotic or sad days where I'll open every one of those documents and read them over again, letting that calmness wash over me once more. It makes me feel like there's still so much happiness and positivity in my future, or even that, yes, there actually is a future.

I know astrology and psychics aren't for everyone, and many who work in the industry also note that free will does come into play. Sometimes, they'll reveal multiple paths you can take, which will ultimately have an impact on the rest of your life. But, I view these predictions more like a vision board, or setting intentions for the year ahead. It's nice to know the possibilities, to dream a little bit, and be reassured that even on really bad days, things won't always be this dark.