Love Is Blind

Week 3 (Episodes 9-11) Season 4 Episode 3 Editor’s Rating 5 stars *****

Love Is Blind

Week 3 (Episodes 9-11) Season 4 Episode 3 Editor’s Rating 5 stars *****

The weddings are drawing ever closer — Nick and Vanessa just made one of their three obligatory appearances to “help” the contestants shop for their wedding outfits — and yet, the couples seem to be inventing more problems every day. Micah and Paul can’t decide on a place to live. Bliss’s dad would prefer to chuck Zack into the Puget Sound rather than spend one more minute discussing prison reform. Kwame responds to every potential issue by either (a) laughing it off or (b) saying some iteration of Baby, baby. Brett and Tiffany shed one single tear. Let’s get into it.

We have to start with Jackie and Marshall, who won’t even make it to the altar. After the party, Marshall demands answers, but Jackie claims she’s too tired to discuss it. You know what she’s not too tired to do? Meet up with Josh instead of attending the group’s mandatory wedding dress shopping! He’s no longer slurring his words but still gives off the vibe that he could, at any time, quote Machine Gun Kelly to describe his feelings. She reveals that her nipples got hard at the party when she first heard his voice and was it from the decibel he was speaking at? Because there’s no way she found Josh drunkenly calling himself “Mr. Steal Yo Girl” sexy. All this ends in him telling Jackie that he wants to be together, and Jackie admits she chose wrong and wants to date him now. They end this tryst with a kiss, and did I … just witness CHEATING?? I know the rules of this show are cloudy, but I’m, like, 90 percent sure she’s still engaged to Marshall. We’ve been focusing on Irina, but maybe Jackie was the villain this entire time. It’s an essential law of nature: One mean girl falls, another must rise to take her place.

Across town, Marshall’s getting his suit fitted while his fiancé causes deep-seated trust issues that will affect him for the rest of his days. Tiffany (a.k.a. Deep Tiff) leaks the intel that Jackie’s not even trying on wedding dresses with the rest of them, and Marshall leaves. Woodward and Bernstein wish they had Tiffany’s investigative skills.

A couple of days later, Jackie tells Marshall that yes, she’ll be dating Josh, and no, you can’t even get your ring back because that was a gift from production for providing drama. In a confessional after, she says that she doesn’t even know if she’ll be dating Josh and probably needs to do some self-work. At least she’s self-aware! After this, Jackie completely disappears. I need this reunion like I need water. And poor, poor Marshall. Obviously, he wasn’t perfect, but no one deserves to be cucked by a man whose favorite show is probably The Office. At least he’ll probably get thousands of women in his DMs hoping for a taste of his raspberry compote.

Meanwhile, Micah and Paul are ignoring the Kwame problem once again. Scratch that; maybe it’s not a Kwame problem, it’s just a problem of not liking each other that much. Many of their declarations aren’t positive — they don’t talk about what the other adds to their lives, just how afraid of losing one another they are. This is the kind of relationship that would fizzle out after a year in the real world, but everything’s sped up in the Love Is Blind timeline, even the complacent stage. Side note: Do we really think Micah, of all people, would enjoy a hand-forged wedding ring? She has admitted to only keeping one-fortieth of her clothes in Seattle. I really hope she means 40 percent because I can’t imagine how big that Arizona apartment really is.

Zack and Bliss honestly don’t appear to be much better. They meet Zack’s family, who’s in support of this because Bliss is absolutely out of his league, and Bliss’s mom and sister, who are in support of this because they truly seem like supportive and kind people (I’ll admit, I teared up a little when Bliss’s mom said she’d be a mom to Zack too). But it all turns to shit when he meets Bliss’s dad, who can’t stand that Zack isn’t a mini version of him. He doesn’t care that Zack is passionate about criminal justice reform (Okay, Zack! I see you!); why the hell can’t he play golf or catch a goddamn fish? The rest of the family sits there in silence while Bliss’s dad berates anything and everything in sight: this process, Bliss and her sister’s taste in men, Zack’s tiny little baby hands (probably). Bliss’s little sister keeps her aviators on the entire time, making this conversation feel like a police interrogation. The State vs. Goytowski ends in a draw. This has clearly happened before, so maybe Bliss won’t care about her dad’s opinion. And, given all his familial issues, maybe Zack won’t care that Bliss’s dad would prefer she marries an ocean-dwelling creature. Vegas has the odds at +12,000.

Even Tiffany and Brett are feeling the stress of carrying this season. During one scene, Tiffany cries because of all the wedding planning, and I’m sorry last week I accused you of not actually planning this event, Tiffany! But don’t worry, Brett takes her on a seaplane to make her feel better and surprises her with a series of engagement photos that I thought were AI-generated, but he actually took himself. They meet his friends and sweet dad and brother, and everyone loves each other, and Tiffany loves Angus’s hair. Thank God because I don’t think we could deal with one ounce of negativity in their story given everything else happening in these episodes.

Finally, Chelsea and Kwame’s issues keep compiling. There’s a scene in a half-empty store in which Chelsea keeps saying things like “I’m having so much fun with you!” while Kwame keeps saying things like “You’re too confrontational.” I’m sorry, if anything, Chelsea’s not confrontational enough, because Kwame, weren’t you flirting with Micah last night? That’s what she should be confronting you about! They take a brief break from bickering to eat the half-empty store’s chocolate-covered strawberries, but Kwame keeps refusing them, probably because he’s the kind of guy who counts macros. He then once again brings up the subject of Portland and his beloved running trail, and Kwame, I don’t know how to tell you that people in Seattle run too.

There’s also the issue of Kwame’s mom, who we have not seen nor heard from but haunts this series like a particularly stubborn ghost. When she does pick up the phone, we can’t hear her, either because she clearly didn’t sign the filming release or because this is some elaborate prank by Kwame to get out of his marriage. In one particularly heart-wrenching scene, he tells Chelsea she can’t take his last name until his mom gives them permission. For someone who claims to be an independent adult who’s gotten rid of his mommy issues, the mommy issues are certainly in the room with us right now.

While she’s certainly not perfect, Chelsea spearheads the couple’s positive moments in these episodes. They meet up with her (very blonde) extended family, who’s extremely supportive and present Kwame with sweet drawings. She and Kwame do a boudoir photo shoot, a fantasy she’s apparently had since childhood, something I cannot say for myself. At the bachelorette party, she gets extremely wasted and spews to everyone who’ll listen that their love story was like “a beautiful slow dance.” Across town, Kwame is complaining about how overpriced Seattle is. At this point, even his one friend is like, Dude, just marry her now; you’re never doing better than this!!

Finally, it’s time for the weddings; naturally, it’s dumping rain. I don’t know who planned an outdoor ceremony in Seattle. Chelsea is in the middle of a marital fantasy: She keeps crying over her flowers, family, and friends. Everything is pink, and everything is wonderful. Meanwhile, Kwame says he’s considering booking a flight to Vegas. I’m so sick of his shenanigans! WHY DID YOU EVEN GO ON THIS SHOW IF YOU’RE NOT TAKING IT SERIOUSLY!! Luckily, his siblings Jerry and Barbara come in and save the day. Barb (who’s sporting a gorgeous orange dress) basically tells him she’ll kick his ass if he says no at the altar. She even gives Chelsea a clutch decorated with Kente cloth, which makes her cry even more. WHERE WAS BARB BEFORE THIS?! We needed her in the pods and every group event after that. Bring her to the reunion.

Kwame looks like he’s about to throw up. Chelsea has written her vows, while of course he hasn’t. She says I do. Netflix hits us with the cliffhanger of all cliffhangers. Maybe this is all one elaborate fake-out, just like the existence of Kwame’s mom.

Raise a Gold Cup To:

• Tiffany and Brett are so well-matched she knows exactly what kind of wedding dress he’ll like.

• Zack brings up he and Bliss’s shared love of owls and “I Hope You Dance” whenever he has the chance. Also, his favorite phrase seems to be, “Romeo and Juliet didn’t work out for a reason.” While that’s a ridiculous sentiment, maybe it’s accurate — both couples have experienced their fair share of miscommunication and familial hatred.

• There’s no way to explain Love Is Blind to your family without sounding insane. They should give them video training like when you start a new job.

• Why are we brushing over Kwame’s pet squirrel?

• Also, does Kwame … have friends? If so, why haven’t we met any of them? At the fittings, we only meet his “Pod Squad” friend Jack, who clearly wasn’t satisfied with his amount of screen time.

• Shelby will not miss a filming date or an opportunity to make fun of Paul.

• Is it just me, or are Nick and Vanessa involved even less this season? How are they even going to recognize the contestants at this live reunion?

Love Is Blind Recap: Waving the White Dress