Southern Charm

Choppy Waters Season 9 Episode 13 Editor’s Rating 1 stars *

Southern Charm

Choppy Waters Season 9 Episode 13 Editor’s Rating 1 stars *

The Love Rhombus continues apace and, honestly, I am exhausted. I have no idea what we’re fighting about, who is mad about what, who is projecting what. Austen’s metaphor of a carousel is apt at this point because we keep getting on the ride thinking it’s going to be fun and then are terribly disappointed that this thing goes in circles and there’s not a single gravity-defying loop.

I had high hopes for when Shep told Craig that he doesn’t have the same oversight on his relationship because it’s long distance, but Craig just saying he doesn’t cheat on his girlfriend was kind of the end of it. To break up the fight, Madison goes to the bar with Venita and Austen. Olivia drags her chair to the end of the table and starts getting into it with Taylor. Madison is at the bar, being all of us, shouting at Venita and Austen, “Will you shut up and pay attention?”

It wasn’t so much of a discussion as it was Olivia going after Taylor and, might I add, quite deservedly. Olivia, like many of us, doesn’t understand what is going on in Taylor’s head. Taylor says that Olivia can’t forgive her, but I think the problem is that every time she forgives her she finds out something new that Taylor did that is messed up. This time it is using Austen to try to make Shep jealous. She just did this a week ago. Taylor says she keeps apologizing to Olivia and that’s not enough. It sure isn’t. She has to apologize and change her behavior to be forgiven, and she has forgotten the vital second part of that equation. Meanwhile, she’ll just continue playing the victim and talk about how she was verbally abused. She spent three years dating Shep and she thinks this is verbal abuse?

Taylor takes that incident and says, “I made a dig and I own up to it.” But you shouldn’t have made the dig in the first place. That is Olivia’s problem: She feels betrayed over and over again, and then Taylor can’t figure out why Olivia is mad. I’m sure Taylor is a great, God-fearing woman, but she doesn’t seem like a good friend. Olivia even says as much when she tells Taylor, “I don’t even know how to be friends with you anymore. So I hate you for that. And I hope it was fucking worth it.” Is making out with Austen worth it? It couldn’t be me thinking that.

They decide to leave and the group has to split between two buses. Austen and Craig are trying to decide where to go. “This is JT, Rod, and Taylor,” Craig says, inspecting one bus. Austen says he doesn’t want to be in that one; he wants to be in the other. Madison is on the other bus and shouts at Craig, “Come in here, home-wrecker. We’re talking shit.” Madison stays on fire. If someone were to say this to me at any point in my life, I would be the happiest middle aged gay outside of a Madonna concert. This is my, “Get in, loser, we’re going shopping.” It’s my two favorite things, wrecking homes and talking shit!

Madison doesn’t leave it there. While Taylor is sobbing to Shep, JT, and Rod on the other bus, Madison puts on JT’s matching shorts and shirt and starts doing her best JT impersonation. It’s spot on. She says she only stands up to talk, is super nice to women, and hates Austen. I would really believe it was JT, except she’s got to be two inches taller than him. SICK BURN! But what is up with all of these boys and their Garanimals bathing suit sets? The next day, JT has on another one. Shep is sporting the same thing in stripes, and Austen is rocking a set with what appears to be a dinosaur print because he wanted to look like the wallpaper at the Max. Is this what happens when straight men don’t have women to dress them?

In the morning, everyone gets up and texts their besties to see where they’re at. When we see the iPhone screens, we see how many unread messages they have. JT has 85. Madison has 54. I have, um, zero. What is wrong with these people? Clear out your damn messages already. Maybe if they did they’d have more room in their minds for figuring out how not to fucking cheat on each other.

JT meets up with Taylor and says that he’s going to keep defending her no matter what. Why? What she did to Olivia is indefensible. Why is this the hill that Mini-a-Lago is going to die on? Also, he needs to get it back in his britches for Taylor, who says she has no romantic feelings for him. Meanwhile, he’s talking about how she has one imperfection and it’s a zit on her nose. She does a back flip off the boat and JT is like, “That was perfect.” She ties a rag on his head and says, “I wish a hot blonde in a fedora would wrap a baby bonnet on me.” Dude, she wants to climb Mount JT like Captain Sardine wants another charter full of drunk white people.

Yes, they all get on a bus and then get on a boat run by a man named Captain Sardine and he needs to be added to the Below Deck roster immediately. Actually, let’s get a show about this whole crew. They seem like a good time; they danced with the cast and gave them plenty of side eye. Let’s give this a straight-to-series 20-episode order, shall we?

On the bus ride home, the crew is getting along and joking, and Craig asks Taylor what advice she would give to the next woman who dates Shep. “Don’t expect to finish,” she says, and everyone on the bus, watching at home, watching a clip later on TikTok, and, well, just about all of humanity raised a hand to their mouth and shouted, “Oh shit!” when that came out. Even worse, Shep then tries to defend it and says, “As long as I get off, I don’t care. I’m not going to go through a whole production.” Of course Shep is bad in bed. Of course he is a selfish lover. Of course he has never given an orgasm to someone other than Captain Sardine. (Captain Sardine is what Shep calls his dick.) Of all the obviousness that I needed answered on this here show, this is not it.

When they return, Shep, Craig, Austen, and Madison head up to Whitney’s presidential suite. He didn’t go on the booze cruise because he was back at the hotel “working.” I will have you know that Whitney passed 73 levels of Candy Crush that afternoon, but he did it very professionally. The 200 gold bars he spent he invoiced to Haymaker Productions. It’s all set.

In the room, Austen says that Shep should go change before dinner, meaning he should change his clothes. Somehow this becomes about which of them should change as in their personalities. Can we vote C: all of the above? Craig tells Shep flat-out what the problem is. “Why don’t you actually tell him you’re mad that he hooked up with your girlfriend, but you won’t tell him because you think it makes you a pussy.” That’s it. That’s all of it right there.

I think that is what finally happened in this conversation. I had a hard time following all of it because they were wasted and I was distracted by Whitney so clearly dressing like Elivs that I almost thought he was Jacob Elordi for one split second. Shep is saying that he’s a good guy because that’s all he wants people to think, but Austen reminds him that a good guy would not have told Taylor that it was fun to cheat on her. Austen tells Shep he’s a dick, Shep tells Austen he’s a bad friend, and I think getting all of this aggression out from behind their good-time frat bro personae is healthy for everyone involved, including the owner of Red Stripe, who sponsored this whole conversation.

As it winds down, Austen tells Shep that it wasn’t even him that came on to Taylor; it was Taylor who came onto him. He demonstrates this by having Whitney play the part of him and Austen role plays as Taylor. He grabs Whitney’s face and plants a kiss on him that lasts so long, is so deep, and involves so much drunk breath and stubble I would swear it was taking place on the dance floor at Horse Meat Disco and not between two straight guys in a country that will literally kill someone for kissing like these bros just did.

But the fight continues with Shep telling Austen that when it comes to women, he only cares about himself, which is true. Austen says Shep keeps pretending to be nice but then freaks out on him like he did in the mountains, which is also true. Shep tells Austen, “I used to be 34 and a fucking scoundrel, but you are a total scoundrel.” Um, Shep, you are now just 44 and a scoundrel, so I don’t know who you’re speaking to. This seems like a fight where they’re both mad because one behaved just like the other.

The key part of the fight, though, is when Austen says, “Taylor and I fuck … ing made out, and you guys can’t get over it.” Everyone in the room thinks he’s about to say that they fucked because they all know it probably happened, right? That’s what really happened, huh? Is this a mini-Scandoval but without any of the intrigue, heartbreak, deception, or interest? Is this Gluten-Free Scandoval?

Meanwhile, down at dinner, Taylor and Olivia are the first people to arrive and sit in stony silence for 25 minutes until Taylor finally compliments Olivia’s top. In fairness, it is an excellent top. Once they’re all assembled, Madison, not done carrying the entire hour, asks Austen, “Whose kiss was better? Whitney’s or Taylor’s?”

Taylor has other plans for the evening. When everyone’s seated she stands up to address the group. (JT told her to do this.) She says that she wants to put this whole thing to rest. Is she going to say she fucked Austen? She’s going to say they fucked, right? That’s where it’s going? I really, really hope so, but I feel like she’s not, and it’s just going to stretch this out even longer. Now it’s a Love Parallelogram, and I think I might hate it even more.

Southern Charm Recap: Boat Day