The Real Housewives of New Jersey

Messes and Bridesmaid Dresses Season 13 Episode 13 Editor’s Rating 2 stars **

The Real Housewives of New Jersey

Messes and Bridesmaid Dresses Season 13 Episode 13 Editor’s Rating 2 stars **

I have been wondering for seasons now where Lexi — Marge’s bestie who lives in her guesthouse with a young man named Nino, who had to be taught by a plumber how to use the toile — is from. She said she was English in the past, but she sounds like she is from Syosset by way of the third largest moon of Jupiter. Her accent is so inscrutable I think that she’s from Kemsleytown, the home of all Dorits. In this episode, we finally meet her mother, who is indeed from Manchester, a town in the north of England that is known for its industry, inventing the rave, and two football (read: soccer) teams, one that is good and one that is bad, and there is no way I can tell the difference because all of those men’s butts are too pert to pay attention to anything else. But if Ma Lexi is from Manchester, how the hell does Lexi talk like a duck with indigestion? I can’t make it make sense.

The reason I’m talking about this is because I can’t possibly talk about what the show wants us to talk about. Danielle versus Rachel? This is the Lexi’s accent of fights because I can’t figure out what it’s about, where it came from, or why we should care, considering they’re barely on the show. Jen and Bill’s relationship falling apart? If this man won’t go to therapy to work on her real concerns about their relationship, it’s time to dump him, take the kids, take the house, and half of everything forever. Just the threat will get him back in the office of that woman who looks just like Elena from Billy on the Street. Or maybe she should try some lingerie like her daughter Olivia suggests. That would get Bill out of the pool house and will give Jen an excuse to do more shopping.

Are we supposed to care about Frank and Dolores? Because I love Frank, but that crybaby needs to shut up before he gets his tears all over his shirtless leather jacket. What is that even? A leather vest? Ew. Frank wants to have a dinner for Frankie to celebrate his new “dream job.” Frankie always dreamed about being my pool boy and catering to all of my needs while wearing a jock strap? So crazy we had the same dream. Anyway, Frank just wants him, Dolores, and the two kids at the dinner. Dolores wants to bring her new boyfriend, Paulie. Frank says that his girlfriend, Brittany, would understand, but Dolores points out that it’s not Paulie who wants to be there; it’s her who wants Paulie there.

“What ever happened to our family,” Frank says when Dolores makes that point. Good question, Frank. You ruined that family when you cheated on Dolores when she was nine months pregnant with your son. That’s what happened to your family. If you wanted it to be just the four of you forever, maybe you shouldn’t have slapped your salami on every diner waitress this side of the Garden State Parkway. I have absolutely no sympathy for him, and I am totally on Dolores’s side.

At the very tippity-top of that list of people I have no sympathy for is Joe Giudice. Well, he’s second to George Santos, but he’s a very, very close second. I don’t blame Joe, Teresa, or their daughters for this; I blame the show. When Teresa and the girls go to a place called Coco’s Chateau (because of course and also of course Tre’s wedding is on their homepage and also of course they got this all for free), they have a teary FaceTime with Joe. Teresa says she prays every day that he will be allowed back in the country. The girls get all misty, and every cue in the scene is meant to make us feel bad for this family torn apart.

Fuck. That. Joe Giudice is a literal criminal who was deported because he spent somewhere around 40 years in this country and never bothered to apply to become a citizen for whatever reason. He committed multiple crimes, was sent to jail, and is now barred from entering this country. Yes, I feel bad that these four girls are not growing up with their father. Of course. But I don’t feel bad about why. If he wanted to be with them, he could have not defrauded some banks, the government, and his wife, whom he dragged down with him. He could have applied to become a citizen so he could have returned to being near his family after serving his time. He could not have cheated on Teresa and called her a “cunt” on national television. He could have done a lot of things, but he did not. Now he is here, and I do not feel bad for him, Teresa, or the executive producers who think that we can be emotionally manipulated into forgiving someone who went to jail and has never really owned up to the fact that he did something wrong. Period. Dot. Colon. Semicolon. Closed parentheses.

There are really only two conversations and two funny things this entire episode that I care about. Let’s start with the funny things. The first is when Joe and Melissa surprise Antonia with a white Porsche SUV for her 17th birthday. (Remind me, what does Joe do again?) As she tearfully accepts the gift, Melissa says, “I drove a Toyota,” to which her mother, Donna Marco, immediately shouts, “I drove an old Chevy.” It was the timing. You can’t script this shit.

The other funny thing is when Teresa is headed to her surprise wedding shower. (Should we say “surprise” wedding shower, because she doesn’t wear a full face of makeup, coiffed hair, jewels, and a white dress to brunch with her daughters unless she thinks someone will jump out and say surprise.) They’re planning a fancy dinner before the wedding, and Melania asks if she can bring a date. Teresa looks at her daughter in the back seat and says Audriana doesn’t have a date. She pipes up from the back seat, “Mom, I’m 12.” Give her a spinoff already.

But this car ride brings us to one of the two conversations I care about. Teresa has Luis on speaker, and he talks about a fancy dinner he’s planning for right before the wedding. Based on the guest list he rattles off — especially Jackie and Marge, who Teresa would never talk to without a camera around — it is meant to be a cast event. He says that he’s not inviting Melissa and Joe. Teresa then says the camera is on and they’re filming, so he says, “Oh, shit.” It sounds like they were conspiring to keep Melissa and Joe out of a cast event. Why? Because they hate them? Possibly. To get them off the show? Possibly. To make them look bad and be like, “They didn’t come to my nice dinner”? Possibly. I don’t know, but it looked shady.

The other conversation is the one that Melissa has with Joe, where they discuss what happened in Ireland. She tells him about drawing a picture of the Gorgas as a family where she bawled thinking about them together coming over from Italy. She says after that, she was done. She was resigned. After 18 years, she said, “Enough.”

But she also adds that she just wants to keep her head down, to keep everything quiet so that she and her family can wish Teresa well at her wedding, and then she’s giving up. She will stop trying to please Teresa because she knows she never will. I’m sure we’ll see it play out on the rest of the season, but it seems like Melissa really wanted everyone to get along just for this event, and something will prevent it from happening.

It’s probably the rumor that Danielle will insist on telling Melissa. Oh, this is a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad idea. Especially because Danielle thinks she’s doing Melissa a solid by telling her that her girl Marge is talking shit about her. That is not at all what is happening here. Danielle has yet to realize that everything on this show is a proxy war between Teresa and Melissa. Missy G won’t see this as a favor; she will see this as yet another shot across the bow from her sister-in-law. Oh, sweet, sweet Danielle, who is too good and too stupid for this world.

Danielle doesn’t bring it up at Teresa’s shower, however, because everyone is too busy mushing together Jennifer Aydin’s henna, except for Jen Fessler, who is busy testing as many of the different dishes at the buffet as her Ozempic can bear. It’s the same bullshit as always. Teresa is so excited to see Luis’s sisters but doesn’t want Melissa there. She gives a speech and thanks everyone but Melissa. Even Teresa’s trainer says she should have said something to Melissa. But Melissa disagrees. She knows the score. She knows it’s not intentional. It’s not that Teresa hates her but that she just doesn’t think of her. When Melissa comes up in her mind, it’s just a blank cloud, a face she doesn’t recognize, a human being that isn’t her, the opposite of her, a void where a human’s shape should be. They’re done. They’re both done. And I think we may be finished with them.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Hit the Showers