The Serpent Queen

The Price Season 1 Episode 3 Editor’s Rating 4 stars ****

The Serpent Queen

The Price Season 1 Episode 3 Editor’s Rating 4 stars ****

KITCHEN GIRL’S FACE. Last week, Catherine gave her maid, Rahima, some gunpowder to exact her revenge on Cruel Kitchen Girl, and now Kitchen Girl is alive (surprise!) but missing an eye and badly burned, as you would expect. You know, because of the gunpowder exploding in her face. She demands Rahima be punished, which I guess is fair, but before that can happen, Catherine shows up out of nowhere and demands no one lay a hand on Rahima from now on. She also gives Rahima a very nice dress as a Vengeance Reward.

I’m going to take a bold stance here and say maybe you don’t want Catherine de’ Medici on your side. I don’t know! It feels like this will end in some horror-filled way for Rahima. But she was already being called “It” by everyone and sexually harassed by the guards, as well as who knows what else, so maybe there’s nowhere to go but up.

I am definitely not an authority on 16th-century Western European magic practices (embarrassing!), but courts had astrologers and alchemists. Queen Elizabeth I’s John Dee has been called an “occultist wizard.” So I’m enjoying these weird li’l trips to the woods that Catherine’s taking, usually to see the magician Ruggieri in his little forest hut. Ruggieri is cultivating an image, and it is working. We learn that magic has a price, and you don’t get to choose what it is. This is a good trope with magic! If people can just willy-nilly fix all their problems with magic, then what’s the point of anything? But here, you have to sacrifice things. Or be willing to when the time arises. It’s like The Godfather, but instead of a mumbling Marlon Brando potentially asking you for a favor, it’s the Mystic Forces.

Part of the reason Catherine is wandering the woods alone is that Henry has been gone for months on this campaign to conquer Italian lands, i.e., Catherine’s dowry. But now he has returned! And Because Men, he has a baby! Who he named Diane. Good Lord. The mother is a hapless Italian woman. While I assume we never see Hapless Italian Woman after this episode, she does a great job of bringing Catherine and Diane together. This fixes what was confusing in previous episodes! Now Catherine and Diane are united in Catherine needing to get pregnant so they can both stay at court and retain their influence. Diane isn’t worried about this woman in particular, but she’s worried about it setting a precedent with Henry until he falls for someone who can replace Catherine.

Also: France won all the territories it wanted in Italy, but apparently you need to “leave people behind to guard your territories”? This is why I could never rule a country. I would never remember details like this. So Montmorency, a noble at court, wants France to give some of the territories back to the Holy Roman Emperor. People just died fighting for these. Ugh. Let’s go back to talking about court goss.

While Diane has been annoying in the sense of being “very cruel to Catherine,” now that she’s on her side, she is an amazing asset and I love her. She strides into Catherine’s room and tells her to get her shit together because they’re fixing this baby situation now. Then Diane throws Henry’s letters to Catherine in the fire and tells her men are too simple to cry over. YEEESSSS DIANE. She says she’ll take care of the Hapless Italian Woman. OMG. A true force.

Hapless Italian and Diane have tea, and the former says Henry told her Diane would be like a grandmother to Baby Diane. HENRY. What good are you? Diane proceeds to low-key threaten to throw the baby out the window if Hapless Italian doesn’t leave for a convent immediately. I’m not convinced she wouldn’t do it. So baby Diane and her mother are now gone, but the memory of Adult Diane almost throwing the baby out the window will last a lifetime.

Henry and Catherine get examined to see why Catherine isn’t getting pregnant (maybe because Henry is having sex with Diane instead?), and the doctor tells the audience of the king, the queen, and Diane that Henry and Catherine can conceive children, but their reproductive organs are “mismatched.” He then illustrates this using an eggplant and a melon. Checks out. The conclusion is they need to bang from behind, which results in an exceedingly unpleasant scene where the camera focuses on Catherine as she has this clinical sex with her husband. Henry says he’s sorry they don’t fit, which is nice but sad.

Remember how Mathilde was interested in the Dauphin, but he was also really crude towards her? Well, now they’re boning and having really nice post-coital chats where he tells her about the time his father exchanged him and Henry for himself, and they sat under guard for years. The Dauphin says there was a little person who would teach them Spanish, and when he asks about Mathilde’s parents, she says they sent her away because she “wasn’t normal.” And the Dauphin calls them bastards! It’s nice! He is complicated but also awful. But sometimes not.

Bourbon comes in, and Mathilde hides while he talks to the Dauphin about having Catherine murdered to put them both in a better position. The Dauphin seems to be against this! Which again, great. For now. Unfortunately, now that Henry is the golden child, King Francis is ignoring the Dauphin, and when the latter gets drunk in front of an ambassador, Francis beats him in full view of the whole court. When Mathilde tries to help him in his room later, he calls her a freak. So, way to be a real shit, dude.

We’re not seeing much of Catherine’s entourage, which I hope changes soon because they’re all fascinating. Aabis, Mathilde, Sebastio (RIP), and Angelica. What I’m saying is I want to see more of Aabis and Angelica because while I recap a lot of historical dramas, there is not a lot of Lady Gay in them. So you can bet that when Aabis had Angelica rub oil on her back and then stared at her mouth the entire time, I was very here for it. People have said they don’t want more sad lesbian period dramas with women staring at the sea, so what about a poisoner and a woman who teaches seduction? Sounds great.

So, that whole idea from Bourbon about murdering Catherine — she’s riding in the woods and gets attacked! She whacks a guy with a branch and hides while two men search for her. This is clearly an assassination attempt (a bad one), and she is saved by Henry, who had been looking for her. Why? Who knows! But they have an adrenaline-fueled bang sesh in the woods. Later, she visits Ruggieri in his magician hut and says she needs to get pregnant and will pay “what is required.” He tells her she’ll be faced with a choice, and if she chooses to pay, she’ll get what she wants. NICE. Love it. Deliberate choices and consequences. He also throws a book at her, which is a guide to poisonous mushrooms. She accidentally leaves it in Sebastio’s room when he brushes her off in order to spend time with the queen, which would probably be fine, but the Dauphin collapses and dies, and the king insists he was poisoned. And who has a poison book in his room? Yes, right. It’s Sebastio.

This choice seems a little easier than it could be because it is not only “will you sacrifice this man you hired who is under your protection in order to have a baby,” but also “if he is not arrested, you will be.” It’s the sixteenth century! Of course she’s going to sacrifice her servant. Points to her for feeling bad about it, but like the minimum amount of points.

Francis is going off the rails after the death of his son (which makes sense), and he banishes Montmorency from his court. Why? Unclear! He thinks Montmorency always hated the Dauphin? When Montmorency says he has dedicated his life to Francis, Francis replies, “Well, what a waste.” SAVAGE. He also has Sebastio pulled apart by four horses, which is, wow, not the best way to go. I can’t believe people can come up with ideas like this when you can literally think about anything you want. Catherine sees Sebastio’s arm get pulled off and then runs away, shedding clothes and saying she can’t breathe. Her servants follow her, and when she vomits, Aabis tells her she’s pregnant.

Back in Samantha Morton’s time! We finally meet her — Mary, Queen of Scots! She and her ladies in waiting are all in white, walking down the long Chenonceau gallery, where they meet Catherine and Rahima. All her ladies are also named Mary, which, yes, is historically accurate. I am SO excited; Mary looks DERANGED. We discover that Mary is a widow because Catherine’s oldest son died, and Rahima is wearing Mary’s dress. Catherine just took it. Amazing. I cannot stand Mary, Queen of Scots, except as a messy bitch, and I hope we see her in her full glory here. We end with her telling her ladies that as the king’s widow, the throne is rightfully hers, and she’s doing everything in her power to stop Charles IX from becoming king. YES.

The Serpent Queen Recap: The Melon and the Eggplant