There is an element of mysteriousness to NHL bubble life. Limited access to players means reporters and fans are left to see what teams post on their own social media channels and what they discuss in the near-daily team press conferences on Zoom.

Is this preferable to in-person access? Of course not. But we’re in the middle of a pandemic, and if you spend enough time digging through the press conferences, you can still learn a fair bit about each team’s approach, and some of the unique personalities.

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We know you don’t have enough time to do that, so we’re taking on that task. We’re watching nearly every Zoom media availability to bring you the most colourful, lighthearted and hopefully the most memorable quotes from the interviews during these Stanley Cup playoffs. Borrowing from the late, great Jason Botchford, we’re bringing them to you in an homage to The Athletties we’re calling The Zoomies.

Check back every Friday for the latest edition of The Zoomies, and make sure you’re getting outside and enjoying some sun for our sake.

Best new nickname: Perhaps surprisingly, some of the most popular NHL players aren’t often asked about it in scrums. They’ve been the subject of lengthy features throughout their careers. Their highlights have been dissected at will. What else is there to say?

Well, if you’re T.J. Oshie, you can provide a simple but super appropriate nickname for Alex Ovechkin. Asked about the consensus that arguably the greatest goal-scorer of all-time returned to training camp in great shape, Oshie said with a smile: “More of the same from the big man.”

Big personality. Big talent. Big responsibility.

From here on in, it’s Alex Ovechkin: Big man.

“Since the 2018 playoffs, I think he’s brought his game to another level,” Oshie said. “You see it on the ice, in the locker room, with his work ethic. It’s been great getting a front-row seat for me and watching his greatness. It’s really been amazing. We’re kind of getting used to his ability to go out there and score goals and work, and now, say and do the right things.”

Best and worst board gamers: The Carolina Hurricanes not only made a name for themselves these playoffs by becoming the first team to win a qualification round with their 3-0 series win over the New York Rangers but also because of their preferred team bonding activity: playing Catan.

How are the #Canes staying occupied?

Playing Catan, of course

— Carolina Hurricanes (@Canes) July 28, 2020

And on Friday morning, we got an update on who is separating themselves from the pack.

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“I’ve heard Slavo (defenceman Jaccob Slavin) is the guy to beat,” defenceman Joel Edmundson said.

“The worst player is (forward Jordan Martinook),” defenceman Jake Gardiner said.

Gardiner’s shot at Martinook is notable, given that Martinook seems to be the one running the game. Good to see the Canes are making the most out of life in the bubble.

Best “No shit, Sherlock” answer: Duncan Keith is now 37 years old, has three Stanley Cups to his name, a head of hair that would make an early 1990s Eddie Vedder jealous and frankly doesn’t appear to have time for small talk.

Asked a relevant question about the Edmonton Oilers’ strong record when scoring first in the regular season and their paltry results after giving up the first goal, the Blackhawks defenceman wanted to hear the stats again. He then sat stunned and open-mouthed, which could only make teammate Alex DeBrincat grin and turn his head away.

“Well, I’m pretty sure it’s pretty important to score the first goal, no matter what, no matter who you’re playing,” Keith said. “So that would help.”

He shrugged his shoulders. Next question.

Best subtle motivation: I’ve listened to more of Arizona Coyotes head coach Rick Tocchet over the past week than I ever have. There’s a lot to like about the way he approaches the game and how he is helping prepare a Coyotes team that hasn’t been to the playoffs since 2012.

“There are situations that are uncomfortable. In playoff hockey, there’s no flow sometimes. And you’ve got to be ready when there’s not a flow. Your number will be called upon and you have to be ready in those situations. And that’s what playoff hockey is,” Tocchet said.

And then Tocchet, who has won three Stanley Cups himself, provided his most memorable line when discussing the competition level in the playoffs.

“Sure, the money’s great, but this is why you play.”

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Most pressing need for personal grooming: If you haven’t been following the Calgary Flames closely, you should know Johnny Gaudreau’s hair has been something of a talking point since he returned to training camp and was only legally allowed to go to the Flames rink or his home.

“There haven’t been barbershops open in New Jersey – it’s been terrible,” Gaudreau said in July.

Unfortunately for Gaudreau, while the bubble offers many things to many people, it does not offer a barber.

And that means the deeper the Flames go in the playoffs, the more desperate Gaudreau might get. He might have to take measures into his own hands by placing his trust in one of his teammate’s hands.

“No barbershops in the bubble,” Gaudreau said. “We’re expecting to be here for two months, so at some point during those two months, I’m going to need some scissors and get one of my teammates to chop some off for me. Because it’s getting a little bit outrageous here. That’s the story of my hair for the last six months here.”

Seated beside him, Flames forward Milan Lucic chuckled in that sort of diabolical way. With the Flames having advanced past the Winnipeg Jets in the qualification round, you wonder if Lucic is getting some ideas.

Weirdest sentence without context: I was watching a Pittsburgh Penguins media availability at my kitchen table with my family nearby. I could feel the furrowed brows from across the room when they heard the way Penguins forward Jared McCann described the team’s need to get more players to the net.

“Obviously we have a lot of good guys around the net with Horny, Rusty and Zuck,” said McCann.

This led to a discussion about the hashtag #HockeyPorn and whether this qualifies.

The consensus was it does not, but brows remained furrowed.

Best goalie-related interactions: Sure, reporters have lost some of the rapport with interview subjects when we’re not working face-to-face with athletes and coaches.

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But one thing that hasn’t changed?

Coaches being protective about voicing their starting goalie decisions. Flames coach Geoff Ward certainly was before Game 1 against the Winnipeg Jets and did not release any information about whether he would start Cam Talbot or David Rittich.

“We’ve narrowed it down to two, and it’s not (third and fourth-string goalies Jon Gillies and Artyom Zagidulin), I can tell you that,” Ward said.

Talbot ended up getting the nod, but you have to appreciate why Ward wouldn’t tell the media which goalie would start.

“Quite frankly, they’re going to have to do some work on both guys, not knowing who’s in for game No. 1. It leaves some uncertainty in their mind,” said Ward. “We have to try to work all angles that we can to gain little advantages that we can.”

Of course, you’re going to get frankness when dealing with Columbus Blue Jackets head coach John Tortorella. It just manifests differently.

Asked about who would start in goal for the team, Tortorella replied: “Korpy’s in.”

A follow-up question was cut off after three words.

“No,” Tortorella said. “I’m not explaining it. So don’t even go there. They’re both capable but we’re going with (Joonas Korpisalo).”

Another question followed about the team’s goaltending depth.

“I’m not asking you about the decision, but just…” said Brian Hedger of the Columbus Dispatch.

Tortorella cut him off: “Yes you are.”

I thought a coy smile might follow this statement. I probably haven’t watched enough Tortorella press conferences.

Strangest mispronounced name: Leafs forward Mitch Marner walked into a postgame availability alongside goalie Frederik Andersen with the same bubbly energy he so often has. He made note of the bright lights overhead. He smiled as he made more observations.

But when he took his seat, his tone changed to one of confusion.

“From the Maple Leafs, we have Mitch Marnie,” said the host.

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Look, I get it. It happens. I’ve been referred to as Josh Cloak-kee multiple times throughout these Zoom calls.

But in an up-and-down, and sometimes trying season for Marner, it was refreshing to see him handle the harmless mistake with a grin.

However, his teammates clearly won’t be quick to let him forget his new nickname.

Mitch Marnie has officially caught with the Leafs lads 😂😂

(📽️: @NHL)

— NHL Hubs Life (@NHLHubsLife) August 6, 2020

Best assessment of playing in an empty arena: The biggest talking points through the first week of availabilities were what it would be like to play in arenas without fans, and how players would deal with the change.

But New York Islanders goalie Semyon Varlamov cut through all that very quickly.

To him, no fans mean fewer distractions.

“To me, it was easy to adapt to playing with no fans. I feel like there’s no extra pressure coming from the fans,” Varlamov said. “I was absolutely fine playing with no fans. I don’t know how the rest of the team feels about it.”

Most simplistic takes on bubble life: Beauty in the bubble is in the eye of the beholder.

Some, like Leafs defenceman Travis Dermott, enjoy how much time a young team can now spend together. He’s gotten some mini-sticks out to battle against forward Andreas Johnsson. Life in the bubble reminds him of playing in a peewee tournament.

“It’s taken hockey back to my younger days. It’s exciting having nothing else other than hockey, hockey, hockey going on,” Dermott said.

Perhaps a less enthusiastic, but no less appreciated, take came from Vancouver Canucks forward Tyler Toffoli. Beyond the clips of players throwing a football around at BMO Field or organized ping-pong tournaments, Toffoli shared another side.

“It just feels like a regular road trip,” Toffoli said. “I don’t do a whole lot when we go on the road. It’s a lot of napping, catching up with my friends, going out for dinner and then going back to sleep.”

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Most heart-wrenching glimpse into life in the bubble: Montreal Canadiens forward Phillip Danault has a young son at home, and has never been shy about his concern about leaving him to play in a hub city for an extended amount of time.

“It really makes no sense, in my head, to distance myself for two months from my kid,” Danault said in April.

It was generally assumed the Canadiens’ stay in Toronto would be a short one. Up against the Penguins, the 12^th seeded-Canadiens weren’t given much of a shot. But they now find themselves up 2-1 and on the brink of an upset. And Danault’s defensive play has been a reason for their success.

So how does Danault feel celebrating a big win without his family?

“It’s part of the game I guess. We’re all in the same boat, all the players. It’s fun to celebrate with your teammates, too. But it hurts. It’s a little different this year. It’s like a team thing. We’re all together,” Danault said.

“But it definitely hurts,” Danault said, adding that he wants to know “what my wife and kids are doing at home.”

So much of the conversation surrounding the NHL’s return to play has involved the uniqueness of bubble life. But Danault’s comments make me want to spare a thought for the many people who are away from their family right now and won’t be able to enjoy the fruits of their success with the people that mean the most to them.

“It’s hard,” Danault said. 

Best deadpan answer: By mid-week, things really began to tighten up on these Zoom calls.

It got me thinking: How easy is it for reporters to stray off-topic during the playoffs? And just how responsive are players?

The answers: Very, and barely.

Props to our man in St. Louis, Jeremy Rutherford, for opening a Zoom call with Brayden Schenn, Alex Pietrangelo and Jordan Binnington with a question about Blues prospect Scott Perunovich, though he admittedly wanted to get the “off-topic” question in at the end. Not an easy ask.

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Rutherford asked the three players if they had any impression of him after he had been skating for a few weeks.

Schenn shook his head no before Rutherford’s question was even over: “I wasn’t there at that time.”

Pietrangelo: “Nope.”

Binnington wasn’t going to let Rutherford down though. The 27-year-old has quickly become one of the more likable players in the NHL in just his second full season and his answer, dry as hell, but perhaps an ode to the world of hockey clichés in general, is being entered as evidence here.

“Good kid,” Binnington deadpanned, before sitting in silence.

The table erupted in laughter.

“There’s a quote for you, JR,” Schenn said.

Can’t see how that one didn’t make it in Rutherford’s story on Perunovich.

Most haunting walk down memory lane: Hurricanes goalie James Reimer did not play the first two games of the team’s qualification series. Petr Mrazek backstopped the team to two wins, but Reimer got the nod for the decisive third game and finished off the Rangers in an arena that, for most of his career, he called home.

Asked about what it meant to win the series in Toronto, Reimer, the universally-adored nice guy, didn’t touch much on his old arena.

“We all love hockey. But playoff hockey is the best. It’s the most fun. Nothing can touch it. I’ve had some fun and some disappointments here (in Toronto) in the playoffs,” Reimer said.

His tone changed slightly when he was asked what went through his mind when his Hurricanes were up 4-1 in a decisive game.

Reimer exhaled, loudly, and then made this face:

Though he didn’t specifically reference that fateful 5-4 loss to the Boston Bruins in Game 7 in the first round of the 2013  playoffs when Reimer was a Leaf, it was hard not to read through the lines of his answer.

“I don’t like to take things for granted no matter how many minutes or seconds are left,” Reimer said.

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Most indecisive assessment: I don’t think I’m far off in suggesting that the qualification games have been getting a lot more attention than the games to determine seeding for the top-four teams.

Vegas Golden Knights forward William Karlsson agreed, to an extent.

“Obviously there’s not as much on the line as the teams playing in the qualification right now,” Karlsson said. “But you also want to win every game, so it’s not like you don’t care.”

Seconds later, defenceman Nick Holden chimed in: “Just mentally, it’s not a win or lose situation.”

Um.

A full three seconds later, Holden had the kind of moment that I’ve been having more and more as I get older. He looked to the roof quizzically.

“It’s not a win or lose situation?” Holden whispered to Karlsson in a questioning tone. He shook his head.

“That didn’t make any sense,” he said, laughing to himself.

No, it didn’t. But it’s been a long few months of Zoom meetings for a lot of us.