Why Women Should Make The First Move

If a woman asks a man out on a date, she is not obligated to buy dinner. I just wanted to clear that up.

Life is all too brief a cosmic commercial break to spend it sending telepathic messages to crushes old and new. In medieval times, sure. 'Twas the men who came calling. But those were the days when women were dragon bait.

We live in modern times, so hurry up and ask that special man/bartender/skeeball competitor out.

Women should make the first move and ask a guy out.

And, again, don't worry about the bill. I've actually been asked this question. The dude will take care of it because that's what dudes do. There are some things the male of the species will always be in charge of, like bear defense.

You know what else? Buying dinner on the first date.

There's a reason places like TGIFried Shrimp and The Pasta Garden exist — because they're inexpensive starter restaurants where two people can test each other out before graduating to a nicer dining establishment, like Trendy Thai Yuppie Trap. Even during these lean times, it doesn't really cost a lot to take a woman out. Now everyone knows where we stand.

Women can ask men out. In exchange, men will not judge a woman who asks them out.

I think most men will agree with me: A desperate woman is a woman crouched on our fire escape and licking our bedroom window, not a woman trying to make plans (or wearing a short skirt). Besides, as men, we should take some responsibility for our gender.

Men have become coy. Aloof. Precious, even. There was a time when men didn't roll their eyes as much as they do now. Even modern seduction techniques encourage something called "negging," which are backhanded compliments meant to intrigue a woman.

It's supposed to substitute for confidence, but the "negs" always come off like a swishy drag queen's snarky quips. They work to a degree, partially because they capitalize on a certifiable fad: Women are chasing men more.

One unintended consequence of the slow, generations-long march in the general direction of gender equality is a sort of "Freaky Friday" gender identity effect. Some traditional gender roles have been flipped. Women are becoming aggressive, high-strung workaholics.

And not two weekends ago I went clothes shopping with a male friend of mine. This is something I had never really done before. He found me a blazer that looks faboo, and we discussed whether I could pull off the purple button-down with the gray sweater. Then we got drunk on beer and talked about breasts.

These reversals should encourage understanding between donks and kazoos. Asking out the right person can be as anxiety-inducing as being asked out by the wrong person.

Whether anyone likes it or not, women are active participants in the dating world. Don't pine, swoon, or bury your face in a kerchief. This isn't a Jane Austen TV movie.

If there's a former co-worker who makes thighs misty or a friend of a friend you're stalking on Facebook, ask him out. This isn't a rule. It's just a very stern suggestion.

When it comes to courtship, I am generally anti-rules. Love is a joyful riot. A cotton-candy tornado. A stampede of cart-wheeling bunny rabbits squealing "YAY!"

You can't control, tame, or corral it. You surrender to the anarchy of attraction and accept that the storm and stress, the risk and reward, is life's greatest grave repellent. If you like, like, like a bro, take a chance, and wipe your sweaty palms on your pants.

Oh, yeah, and here's how you do it. Act really casually. Super chill. A polar bear on Paxil. It can happen in person or over instant messages.

But here's the general script:

YOU: Hey.

DUDE: Hey.

YOU: What are you doing this weekend?